How should we define premature ejaculation? Some say it's when a man can't prolong intercourse long enough for his wife to climax. Does this mean a man who can last half an hour is premature if his wife does not climax? Does it mean the man who never lasts 2 minutes is not premature if his wife always climaxes? (And yes, such couples exist.) The best definition we have found deals not with the woman's climax, or how long intercourse lasts, but with the man's ability to control his ejaculation, climaxing only when he chooses to.

Historically it has been believed that rapid ejaculation was always the result of either habit or mental issues like anxiety, fear, anger, or embarrassment. While it still seems likely that these factors are at the root of most rapid ejaculation, there is a growing belief/understanding that some men are apparently "hard wired" to ejaculate quickly. For this reason we will begom with ways for a couple to train the man to have control of when he ejaculates, then follow up with other alternatives for those who find this does not work. We encourage men to start with a serious and prolonged attempt to learn control - if he is capable of this it is by far the best solution.

Rapid ejaculation is very much a couple issue. It clearly affects both the man and the woman, their sex life, and their marriage as a whole. It is also very unlikely that a man will be able to succeed in changing without the loving support and help of his wife. Women should understand that premature ejaculation is usually an extremely shameful thing for a man. The man feels like he is not really a man, and he does not want anyone else, even a doctor or counselor, to know of the condition. It's common for a man to refuse to seek help because of his embarrassment. In such a situation the wife must lovingly but firmly communicate to her husband that she will not accept him ruining their sex life because of fear or pride.

Learning how to control it:

Ejaculatory control is very much a learned skill, so don't despair if you're having trouble with it. There are several issues involved in gaining control: being able to feel what is happening, accurately knowing how close you are to orgasm, and knowing how to slow down when you are too close too soon.

It's not enough to just know when ejaculation is immanent - at that point it's very unlikely you will have either the desire or ability to stop.

Being able to feel what is happening: If you have negative feelings about sex or your sex organs, you may be keeping your mind from focusing on your penis, and on the sensations you are experiencing during sex. If your orgasm "takes you by surprise," shame or negative attitudes may be something you need to work on. God gave you a penis for many reasons, including so that you could give and receive sexual pleasure in marriage. It is right and good to focus on your penis during sex; to concentrate on and fully experience the pleasure of sex.
Some men have unintentionally trained themselves to ignore the signs of approaching orgasm. A man who has repeatedly masturbated in a hurry (for fear of being caught), or engaged in hurried sexual contact before marriage (again out of fear of being caught), can develop the habit of ignoring the "warning signs" and going full speed until climax occurs.

One thing that will help you is exercising the muscles that contact during ejaculation. Making these muscles stronger will help you gain control, and exercising the muscles will help you learn to feel what is happening in that part of the body. So start by learning to do Kegels to build up your pelvic muscles.

Knowing how close you are: Imagine your arousal/stimulation level as a number between 0 and 100, with 1 being just barely erect, and 100 being the point where orgasm occurs. It's not enough to just know when you get to 99, because at that point you will have neither the desire nor ability to stop; you have to learn to tell the difference between 50 and 70, and between 80 and 90.

Learning to gauge your level of arousal requires paying close attention to your body during sex, and it's going to take some trial and error. It's much easier to learn to feel the signals of arousal level during manual stimulation than during intercourse (some men learn this from masturbation when they are single), so you should start learning while stimulating yourself, or even better, while having your wife stimulate you by hand.

If you have trouble learning to tell how aroused you are, your wife can help. The genitals give a variety of visual cues about how aroused a man is, and with a bit of experience a wife can better judge her husband's arousal level than he ever could. She should look for telltale changes as he is manually stimulated to orgasm. Common changes are elevation of the testicles (pulled closer to the body), a slight increase in fullness and/or firmness of the penis, darkening of the head of the penis, and the head looking like the skin is becoming more taut (more details about signs of arousal). These changes occur gradually, in a regular, overlapping sequence, so after a couple of times your wife should be able to gauge how close your are by what she sees. She can then pass this information on to you verbally, and you can learn to tell where you are by comparing what you feel to what she reports.

At 95 even stopping thrusting may not prevent orgasm.

Delaying orgasm: The most important thing is not getting too close to orgasm until shortly before you want to climax. Sexual stimulation is somewhat cumulative: it takes a lot less to go from 50 to 100 than it takes to go from 1 to 50. Most men can go from 80 to 100 in a couple of seconds, and once a man reaches about 90, he will probably have to stop all stimulation to avoid ejaculating in the next 30 seconds or less. At 95 even stopping thrusting may not prevent orgasm, since being inserted in the vagina is stimulating even without movement.

So, to have any hope of control, you have to be able to tell when you are approaching the 70 to 80 range. With practice you can learn to stay at this level for a long time - and certainly much longer than you could stay at a higher level of arousal. Practice learning to tell how aroused you are during manual stimulation. There is going to be some trial and error, so don't get upset if you miss judge and climax unintentionally. Each time this happens you have learned a bit more, and are closer to the answer.

Work at slowing or stopping simulation before you reach the danger point. Learn to enjoy the pleasurable sensations of being very aroused but not yet on the verge of orgasm. Orgasm is very nice, but it's also very short. You can get a lot more pleasure out of sex by learning to prolong the amount of time you spend in the very enjoyable higher levels of arousal.

Don't be in a hurry to move from manual simulation to intercourse - the more you learn now the easier it will be later. Add a lubricant to manual stimulation to more closely simulate intercourse. Learn to tease the pleasure for a long, long time.

The "real thing": During intercourse the problem is reducing your stimulation without reducing her stimulation; if you slow her down as much as you slow yourself, you're not really making things much better. So, the following suggestions are designed to allow you to reduce your stimulation without significantly reducing hers.

Start Slow: No matter how much self control a man has, entering his wife is very stimulating both physically and emotionally. Entering slowly, being still for a moment once fully inserted, and then gradually beginning to move will help diffuse the intense stimulation of entry.

Leg tension: Tensing the muscles in the legs and buttocks can significantly speed you towards climax. Relaxing these muscles will allow you to last longer.

Brace your feet: If you are on top (missionary), and your feet are not braced against something, you will need to use your leg muscles to maintain your position and to help you move. Putting your feet against a solid object can greatly improve your ability to prolong intercourse. If your bed doesn't have a footboard, turn around so your head is at the bottom of the bed, and you can put your feet against the headboard or wall. Yes I know it sounds silly, but try it, it might make a big difference.

Woman on top is probably the single most effective way to increase the duration of intercourse.

Let her be on top: This helps for several reasons: it results in her getting stronger stimulation, it results in you getting a bit less stimulation, it frees your hands to stimulate her breasts and/or buttocks, and it allows you to relax your leg muscles. This is probably the single most effective way to increase the duration of intercourse. Some men who rarely or never "last long enough" when they are on top, have no problem doing so when she is on top. If you really like being on top you can start with her above, then change places after she climaxes.

More lubrication: For a man, stimulation is the result of friction between the penis and the walls of the vagina; reduce the friction, and it will take longer to climax. Even if your wife lubricates well, the addition of an artificial lubricant may slow you down. The old style lubricants like KY® jelly tend to be sticky or tacky, which is not what you are looking for. Many newer lubricants such as AstroGlide®, KY Liquid®, and the silicone based lubricants, will do a much better job of reducing friction.

Short, deep strokes: The deepest part of the vagina "balloons out" when a woman becomes aroused, while the part of the vagina closer to the opening gets tighter. Since the head of the penis is the most sensitive part, keeping it in the ballooned out area greatly reduces the stimulation you receive. Additionally, the best stimulation for her is when your pubic bone presses against her. So slide in deep and make very short thrusts. You can even go so far as to just push or rub against her without really moving the penis within the vagina at all. This is a great way to reduce your arousal level while continuing to move her closer to orgasm.

Let her touch your penis during foreplay: Sounds wrong, doesn't it? Most men who struggle with rapid ejaculation don't want their penis touched at all for fear that they will ejaculate or get too close to ejaculation. But this can backfire - the sudden surge of physical stimulation when intercourse starts is just too much, you either climax immediately, or are so far along you never gain control and climax in less than a minute. If the penis is lightly stimulated during foreplay, the stronger stimulation of intercourse is less overwhelming, and you can gain some control before it's too late.

All other things being equal, the more often a man has intercourse, the better his control will be.

Have sex more often: Even a man who usually has good ejaculatory control is almost certain to have difficulty if he goes an unusually long time without sexual release. The longer it's been, the more aroused you are to start with, and the more easily you will be stimulated to orgasm. Even if you have climaxed recently by masturbation, manual or oral stimulation, the emotional and mental arousal of intercourse is likely to reduce your control after a break from intercourse. All other things being equal, the more often you have intercourse, the better your control will be.

When control is not possible:

If you have tried and tried, and nothing is changing, it may be that your trying to do something which is out of your control. Fortunately modern science has some solutions.

Desensitizing Creams: Some men swear by them, some swear about them. We have heard reports from "they don't slow me down at all" to "I was so numb I would not have know if I ejaculated" with some "best product in the world" comments in between. The active ingredient seems to be of great importance, as some are better at reducing sensation without causing total numbness. We have heard good things about lidocaine based sprays (Stud 100 and BW-101 are brand names of such products). You can vary the affect greatly by changing how much you use (a spray is easy to "dose") how far in advance you apply it (5 to 15 minutes before intercourse), and how much of the head you apply it to (some men only apply to the most sensitive underside).

Prescription drugs: Fairly recently it has been discovered that certain anti-depressants have a side affect of slowing ejaculation. For some men this lead to great frustration, but for men who can't prevent rapid ejaculation it is a wonderful thing. Drugs like Paxil, Zoloft and Anafranil have been found to add five to seven minutes to intercourse for men with very rapid ejaculation. With good arousal of the wife before intercourse starts, this was sufficient for most couples to share orgasm during intercourse. This is a new and "off label" use of these drugs, so you may have to search a bit to find a doctor who will prescribe them for this use; but searching to find such a doctor or psychiatrist would be well worth your efforts if nothing else has worked.

Finally, a note to wives of middle age and older men: premature ejaculation can sometimes be a sort of side affect of erectile difficulty. If a man is worried that he is losing his erection during intercourse, he may try to improve his erection with the increased stimulation he gets by speeding up his thrusting. This may work, but it will also result in him climaxing much sooner. Or, if he is worried he won't be able to keep his erection for long, he may try and climax quickly before he is too soft to continue. When a man who formerly did not suffer from premature ejaculation starts to do so, erectile difficulty may be the reason.

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