Sex for the Clueless Bride

There is a lot of anticipation of the wedding night. The thought of finally being able to be sexual with the one you love is exciting, but at the same time a little scary because the experience is so new.
Here are a few comments and ideas that should make the wedding night a little more enjoyable.

Birth Control -

Decide before you marry what kind of birth control, if any, you will be using. If you will be using a diaphragm or other feminine product, try to insert it on your own a time or two. This will make it easier on the wedding night when you already know what you are doing. If you will be using a condom, mention to your fiancee that he might want to try one out a time or two on his own before hand. Same reasoning. For more information on birth control, check this article (http://www.themarriagebed.com/birthcontrol.shtml).

Nice Things to Have on Hand -

Have a little lubrication on hand. Even if you think that you have enough moisture, especially for first intercourse, it's a good idea to use a small squeeze anyway. Check your local grocery or drugstore. Most will at least stock KY, a very common brand name of water-based lubricant.
Bring along a few hand towels. Good sex is messy. The amount of moisture is relatively small, but it tends to spread out a bit. For other bedroom considerations, check out this article on setting the scene (http://www.themarriagebed.com/scene.shtml).

Expectations -

Our culture teaches us a lot of junk about sexuality. The assumption is that sex will be easy, natural and ecstatic the very first time. Ecstatic maybe, but sex like everything else has to be learned. You might know the basics, but it takes time and experimentation to find out what you will both like. Having a good love life is a journey not a destination.

Develop a Healthy Sexual Self-Image -

Our culture tends to teach women that sexual enjoyment is for men, that "nice girls don't" or that sex is somehow dirty. The Word makes it clear that God designed both men and women to enjoy sex and that liking sex is normal and healthy.
Take some time to examine the "messages" that you have received from your family, church, friends, etc. How do you see yourself sexually?

OK, all this is nice and good, but what about the wedding night?

His Penis -

If you have never seen a penis before (changing diapers doesn't count), at first glance it might be a bit intimidating. An adult penis can look pretty large. You're wondering how in the world it's going to fit. Not to worry. God created the system and your body is designed to accommodate something that size. During arousal your vagina will extend, and balloon out a bit at the end.
You might want to check out the information on the Basic Plumbing page (http://www.themarriagebed.com/bpreview.shtml), but please be aware that the drawings there are representative, and that there is bound to be some variation in how your husband's penis will look. The drawings are not life-size. The average penis size is about 5 1/4 inches long and can easily be accommodated.

His Sex Drive -

Your husband's drive and sexuality will be different than yours. Guys have it easy. Their equipment is on the outside, driven by testosterone, and generally works without directions. He will be very excited and easily orgasm (probably within a minute or two, maybe less). This is normal. As his sex drive is more satisfied, he'll be able to slow down so that you both can have enough time to explore and enjoy your sexuality.

Your Body -

There is usually some trepidation about the possibility of pain at first intercourse. This is normal, but try to put it in perspective. The hymen is a small shelf-like membrane that partly covers the vagina opening. When your husband's penis enters your vagina it stretches, sometimes tears, the hymen. That's why there is sometimes blood. The absence of blood does not mean that you are not a virgin. It just means that there was not significant tearing.
Most women feel mild pain or discomfort (certainly no worse than a brief menstrual cramp), a few experience no pain, and a few experience serious pain. For the record, if you continue to experience pain after a week, go to the doctor. It is most likely that your hymen is a little on the tough side. A doctor can take care of that easily.
You can also do stretching exercises a couple of weeks before the wedding night that will help minimize the discomfort. Daily insert one well-lubricated finger (most pharmacies carry something like KY jelly) into the vagina all the way to the base of the finger, and then gently but firmly press downward/backward (toward your back). This pushes against what is typically the most-resistant part of the hymen. After you can do this with one finger comfortably, try two. This preparatory stretching should make first intercourse a little easier. On your honeymoon be sure to use lubrication and ask your husband to enter slowly, allowing the muscles and tissue of the vagina to relax and gently accommodate him.

Your Sex Drive -

For women, orgasm can be a little more complex. Because of the briefness of first intercourse, and because most women do not have a good understanding of their own bodies, it is fairly normal for women not to orgasm at first intercourse. This is okay. You might ask your husband to help you orgasm manually, or you might just like to hug and snuggle for a while and try again later. Remember, this is about learning to enjoy each other and what pleases you both. It will take time and experimentation.

But what do I do during sex?

During intercourse touch him, kiss him, tell him how much you love him, and enjoy his closeness. Relax as much as possible and allow your body to respond to his movements. You might also take some time to focus on what you are feeling physically so that you can begin to understand what is arousing to you.

General Advice -

Get to know his body and allow him to get to know yours. As he explores your body, tell him what you like and what you don't like. As you explore his body, ask him (if he doesn't tell you) what he likes and dislikes too.
It might also be helpful to read the article The Anatomy of Arousal (http://www.themarriagebed.com/arousalsigns.shtml). Your bodies will go through a number of stages as you become aroused. Understanding those changes and working with them with make it more pleasurable.
Be patient with each other and be willing to talk openly. Remember this is a life-long journey and you have plenty of time to learn and explore.