><> Paul <><

Three non-sexual things to do, in the nude, that help intimacy to grow.

First I suppose I should confess that, for men, virtually anything done in the nude with one's wife is at least somewhat sexual. God made us to respond to the naked female body, and we respond even when sex is not our goal. So wives, please don't let physical signs of arousal make you feel that something was done "just to get sex." That said, we men need to understand that woman are not as visual as we are, and nudity alone does not make something a sex act in her mind. It's okay (and uncontrollable) to be aroused by your less than fully clothed wife (even after all these years, ;) but if you ALWAYS act out on those feelings you will not be blessing her. Learn to enjoy touch and nudity for it's own pleasures.

Elsewhere we've discussed the importance of touch both for physical and mental health, as well as relational and sexual health (http://www.themarriagebed.com/oxytocin.shtml), but why make a point of being naked? First because nudity is (or is supposed to be) something we only do with our spouse. Naked activities therefore create a sense of bonding by setting them apart from clothed activities we do with others. Second, if the goal is skin contact, then the more skin available, the more contact we can have. So the three naked S's are: sleeping, showering, and snuggling.

Sleeping: Sleeping together is, in our minds, extremely important. Part of sleeping together is falling asleep together and waking up together. It's not just about being in the same place; bedtime small talk and half asleep hugs can create a deep sense of closeness. Lori and I feel so strongly about sleeping together that when I worked nights I went to bed with her and lay with her until she fell asleep. When I went to bed, she was always there too. Of course this fell short of what's best, which is to spend the whole night in the same bed. Recent research on pheromones (we call them "airborne hormones") suggests that prolonged exposure to each other's pheromones has profound affects on us. While the details aren't in, it seems likely that the pheromones we get while sleeping together actually make us feel closer, more secure, and more loved; they may even contribute to better physical and mental health!

A few "issues" about sleeping together:
- Snoring: As I'm on the receiving end of some serious snoring (my dear wife can even snore while laying on her tummy ;) I think I have the right to say find a way to stay in the same bed!! I wear ear plugs, she wears nose strips or uses a throat spray, and when she keeps me awake I think of how much I would miss her snoring if she were taken from me. Of course snoring can be a serious medical condition, and there are medical procedures to deal with it, so a visit to the doctor may be in order.
- Sleeping in the nude seems to violate some unwritten rule in America. It may be good for the folks who make pajamas, but why do we "dress" for bed? Not that we are opposed to lingerie, but we see that as something which is put on to be taken off. If we can't be "naked and unashamed" in bed with our own spouse something is wrong.
- Temperature differences: The only time Lori and I agreed on what temperature the bedroom should be was the winter she was pregnant with our son. Usually men run a lot warmer than women, resulting in him laying on top of the blanket sweating while she lies under it shivering. Make the room just cool enough for the person who is warmer, and add blankets on the other persons side. Or, buy an electric blanket with duel controls. The one "exception" to the sleep nude "rule" at our house is socks ... it's amazing how much warmth socks can provide. It also protects the warm person from the dreaded wandering toes of ice!
Showering: Okay be honest, when's the last time you showered together? When's the last time that showering together wasn't foreplay?! Ever shared a long hug in the shower? Washed each other? Washed each other's hair? Shared a long soak in a bubble bath (if your tub is large enough)? Next time you're going out together, try a joint shower when you're getting ready. Next time your spouse is in the shower, join him or her .... or invite them to join you.
Snuggling: I figure fewer than one couple in a hundred is getting their daily allotment of snuggle, so there is a real good chance your marriage could use more. Lazy naked snuggling is so easy when you sleep together IF you don't go to bed exhausted and IF you wake up more than 30 seconds before you have to jump out of bed. Just wrap yourselves around each other and enjoy the contact; no movement or talking is required.
One reason many women avoid this is they fear that it will "always lead to sex," while men often avoid it out of fear that "it won't lead to sex." The problem here is one of priorities; women tend to place higher importance on the non-sexual touching, while men tend to place more importance on sexual contact. When each is having their first priority met, it's easy for them to engage in both activities, and neither is overly concerned about the order. On the other hand, when either of them feels their top priority is being "neglected," things don't flow too well.
- MEN: Realize that your wife needs non-sexual touch in order to be physically and emotionally healthy. A lack of touch makes it impossible for her to desire or enjoy sex; she might say yes, and she might climax, but she will not truly enjoy it. Her negative responses in these cases are not manipulation, rather you are seeing the result of the way the lack of touch and intimacy affects her brain.
- WOMEN: Realize that your husband has a strong sex drive, and while he can and should control what he does, he can not control what he feels. When he has insufficient sexual release, his brain is affected much as yours is when you don't receive enough touch; just as your hormones drive you to seek touch and intimacy, his drive him to seek sex. His feelings in these cases are not a sign of his selfishness, but rather a response to the way the lack of sex has affected his brain.
- BOTH: The answer is to be giving. Understand your spouse's needs and make it your goal to meet them even when you feel your needs are unmet. Unselfish giving will bless your partner, and meeting their need will make it much easier for them to meet your needs.

Nudity need not be reserved for times when you are going to be sexual. Becoming comfortable with each others bodies will have benefits both in and out of bed. Within the walls of your bedroom you can have your own private nudist colony!